The notion of "purpose" has been heavy on my mind lately. For whatever reason, I have had a strong resurgence of the need to have one, a big shiny one. I have always lived a very intentional and purpose-filled life, but never with single-pointed focus.
Homesteading, gardening, cabin dwelling, all of these take up most of my time. I (mostly) really enjoy the various tasks involved, but if I am going to be most honest with you, and I feel like I am betraying the trade a bit by saying so, it is not as high on the list of most important things to me as it has been. It is truly a means to an end, the way by which we can feed ourselves well. We wouldn't be able to afford to eat this way from a grocery store, so it's a bit of time over money. There are definitely times when I wish that we could just buy all this food from someone else. The satisfaction level is immeasurably high as we pull in the harvest, but to come back to the original point, I don't see this lifestyle as being my purpose in life. It's the thing we do, because we do, and we would be bored stiff if we didn't. That and it is a lifestyle that permits us exactly the right balance between community and solitude, for which I am extremely grateful. We have been and continue to set things up so that we can be as efficient as possible with the time we spend on animal and garden related chores. It's a good system, and as I say, I enjoy it, but it's not something that I would ever want to be the only thing for me.
The other obvious that I do a lot of is mothering and all that entails. I was a very guilty mother for quite some time, and I've worked hard to let go of that since my kids seem to think I'm alright. But I always felt quite bad that I wasn't a "mommy mommy", and my house wasn't run like a preschool. I took on the hat "free-range parent" to offset what is probably more benign neglect. I love my children, I don't regret having them, but I just have never felt that motherhood was my purpose. It isn't something that's come very naturally to me. Comparing myself for many years to other mothers made me feel seriously inadequate. I don't do that anymore. My kids are mostly super awesome, and although I'm not going to take credit for that, I do know a small part of their awesomeness comes from how much exploration and discovery they engage in, magnified by me not helicoptering them. Samers as above, I love them, but motherhood could definitely never be the only thing for me.
Once upon a time I had a shining passion for development work. One that took me to live overseas in Africa for the better part of a few years, and then on to various other parts in the world in pursuit of boundaries. Personal boundaries and physical isolation. I wanted to know what existed at the far end of our comfort zones and I found that I could push mine incredibly far without finding an edge. In fact it was, truly, boundary-less. I couldn't find a border that I wasn't capable of crossing. Literally and figuratively (hello, Congo!). What brought me back to Canada was nothing more then a sudden, almost suffocating need to take a breath of cold air. I can remember the moment vividly, I was in Perth at the time. Living without distinct changes of seasons became in a moment intolerable. On top of that, I was bored. Home (Canada) suddenly became the last frontier, the last one I needed to put myself up against. Perhaps I still live that lifestyle and some purpose does still reside there. But I lived that other life long enough to know that there is an emptiness that comes when it is lived with single-focus, simply due the absence of a home and intimate relationships. I couldn't ever exist without a sense of adventure, so I will say it is the only life for me, but elements of it I willingly sacrifice in order to have a relationship and a family. One part purpose, one part letting go.
Food, fitness, in past years yoga. These have always been a giant part of my life. Or at least they have been when I have been also living well and with a sense of belonging to the world. There have been stretches on and off in my adult life where these were absent (early university, and the years of making babies most recently); but with it came strong, debilitating feelings of depression, anxiety, and dis-ease. I am one of "those", one who can't mind over matter what goes in my mouth or forgo moving my body. I will go as far as to say that it is the most important thing I do in my day. I have learned to put it ahead of homesteading/homemaking tasks (for the betterment of all) and my kids know the routine. Several times in my life this has been incorporated into being my profession, in various forms, and it will again. I am a high-maintenance gal and nutrition and strength training are the two things (along with sleep!) that enable me to even consider that I am capable of something more. Fitness in particular is my vessel for personal and spiritual growth. The discipline, strength and clarity I get from it re-calibrate my mind and open my heart daily. It is the closest thing to purpose that I have felt, the most inline I feel with my reason for being on this planet. Through it I have learned more about myself and my capabilities then I ever thought possible. They will always be the central focus of how I care for my life. I do think therein lies something that I would be willing to dedicate myself to, but in what way I have yet to articulate. It is so beyond macros and micros and numbers and results. It is the daily practice that feeds me, that in turn feeds something else, a hunger to be more, give more, love more. It is the birthplace of my purpose-full life, if not the purpose in itself.
One thing that is certain is I no longer believe that we need to "find" our purpose, or that our purpose will find us. I think we can choose at any point how we would like to direct our focus and make that our gift to the world. Having not found our purpose is more accurately a case of having not yet found something that wakes us up and drives us out of bed in the morning. Something we want to say yes to over and over again. It can be completely impractical or seemingly unnecessary, but it is something that lights us on fire every single time. And the beauty this embodies makes it in actuality completely essential to both us and to the world, no matter how small or niche it may be. And as I type that I can feel the my heart tickling and my thoughts vibrating as I am actually, quite completely, right now, in ownership of that feeling. I do bounce out of bed everyday completely excited about being on the verge of ... something, unknown. I have never felt more that the world has my back or that I can lay to rest the thinking and figuring and just ride out the flow. And as I walk closer and closer to understanding what big offering I may be here for, the loud little voice inside of me simply says: keep moving, stay strong and be consistent, keep breathing that cold air, and... keep writing. Within those practices the details will get clear, all things will come to point.
"The planet does not need more successful people. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of every kind." Dalai Lama
"Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground." Rumi
I aM feeling blessed to listen to your amazing life journey through these words. Your introspection and candidness is inspiring!
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